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We're coming up on the 21st anniversary of my mother's suicide...I was 16 when she died. I did OK, at first, but then things got really hard. At 22, I went through my first major depressive episode (inherited from Mom). The following is a letter I wrote to the little girl, Amy, as a way to help work through her suicide. The picture is of me at age 10. On a positive note...I'm doing much better now at the ripe old age (LOL) of 37. :) Dear Amy, I look at your picture and see a little girl who’s been troubled for a few years now. Your eyes seem so sad and they look as if they’re begging to be accepted. I want you to grow up to be a happy person, Amy. Believe in yourself. Like yourself. I know that you’re just a little girl, but if you could only learn from experiences and hindsight. Your mother loves you, Amy. But she hates herself and can’t show you her love as well as other people. She’s very very unhappy and is unable to believe that she is a good person. She’s ashamed of who she is and how she looks and everything. She’s protecting you from the bad world and everything in it. Mommy loves you so much, she’s sheltering you. She’s taking care of you and Katie and Daddy. You’re different, Amy. You’re very sensitive and vulnerable. Learn that you ARE a good girl now, before is affects you your whole life. I wish I could have been there for you to help you along and tell you that things will get better. I’m feeling your pain. I remember what it was like to be you. To wonder why I was such a bad girl and why nobody liked me. To feel like I couldn’t compare to my lovable, cuddly, bubbly, and more intelligent sister. How many times did I have to hear how smart she was and why was I so withdrawn? I’m wondering what I could have done differently at your age. How could I have been a better child? What did I have to do to be Mommy’s “little pal”? Could I have done anything differently to not be her enemy as I was often told/? The day Mommy died, I avoided her that morning just to avoid a fight. I might have looked at her the wrong way or something. And when I walked to the bus stop, I wanted to turn back to wave good-bye, but I didn’t. Oh, Mommy, why didn’t you get some help like Daddy wanted you to? Why did you suffer for so long by yourself? We could have had happier lives together. I was a little girl and tried so hard to be good for you. Nothing ever worked! I just got a constant trail of criticism. Why couldn’t I have known what to do to help you? You know, when you died, I felt like I was to blame and that you must have really hated me and that it was all my fault. Mommy, I love you, but I’m having a very tough time putting everything behind me. I can’t escape it and have a hard time believing that I ever will. I just have to try to save the little girl inside of me. The lonely little girl who only wants to feel good enough and loved. Amy, I’m afraid that I have no answers for you. Please remember that you ARE a good person and DO have a lot of love to give if given the chance. Save yourself now before it’s too late. I love the little girl…now if I could only love me.


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