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Cheers

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Eat Sleep Scrap
July 13, 2008

1 Small Step

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I stapled the edges and stamped with a fork and paint.

Hidden Journaling Reads:

I bought a scale the other night. You probably own one and are thinking, so what? Well, I haven't owned one in just over 14 years.. That is also the last time I knew my weight. 97 lbs. Since then I am only weighed at the doctor's office. I face away from the scale and he does not tell me my weight. He just writes it down and nothing is said. He knows there is a bigger issue at hand than a couple of pounds that have been gained or lost.

I have always struggled with my weight. When I was living in Hollywood, I made the decision to be thin. I was not fat, but I wasn't thin. At 5'7 1/2" I was 142 lbs. I was going to be thin and that was that. I went on a diet of raw vegetables and brown rice. That was all I ate. I was losing weight, but not quickly enough. I had reached 130 lbs. I decided to try the "splurge and purge" method. I ate mass quantities of food, and would then force myself to throw up. I don't remember exactly how long this went on, because honestly, this is a time I try not to think about. I am having to revisit it now though. Before I take steps on my weight now, I must recognize the past. It happened, it happened for a reason and I have to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Even with the "splurge and purge" method, I was still not satisfied with my progress. Next step was to start taking Ephedrine. So I was forcing myself to throw up anything I ate and I was taking a pill I knew was bad for me. The weight was coming off, I needed to buy new clothes that fit properly and I was reaching my goal weight. My goal weight at the time was 2 lbs. less than I weighed at the moment. I was constantly telling myself "just 2 more lbs." Then it happened , I weighed myself one morning and was 97lbs. I was under 100 lbs. I was thrilled. I went to buy new jeans and was thrilled to have a pair of 22" waist Levis fit, but have a bit of room. I now had the goal of getting into a 20" pair. That evening was New Year's Eve and I was going to the Rainbow with Mike & Kenny (my roommates). I had bought this dress that I thought I looked good in, a few more pounds and I would look really hot. I put it on and Mike saw me. He looked me straight in the eye and told me that I looked like a corpse with tissue paper on it. Mike didn't know my secret, but I was worried he was suspecting something. I just laughed it off. That night we went to the Rainbow. At midnight, I was in the middle of Sunset Blvd. making out with ***********, and went to an after hours party at a nearby restaurant,. This is relevant because it's the first time I realized something might be wrong. I just felt out of whack. The truth is, I wasn't trying to make out with the guy I was in the middle of the road with. I was having problems standing up and just sort of fell onto him. He responded by kissing me. I didn't really care, because he was holding me up and I didn't want to fall. I know that sounds horrible, but that's what happened. This wasn't me. I didn't do this. What was going on? The next morning, I woke up, popped my Ephedrine and splurged and purged. I did not know that morning my plans of 20" jeans would be destroyed.

I was watching TV when Mike came in and turned it off. Kenny came in the room and picked up my purse. They wanted to discuss my weight loss. I told them I was just trying to look good. They both thought I looked like $*@! and wanted to know how I was doing it. Mike thought I had been spending a lot of time in the bathroom and I found out he had heard me throwing up on more than one occasion. Kenny thought I seemed different so he suspected I was taking something. It was after telling me that he dumped my purse on the floor and found two bottles of Ephedrine. They had jointly decided that these behaviors were ending immediately. They were going to see to it and they didn't care what I had to say about it. I sort of brushed it off thinking to myself there was no way they could stop me. They both worked days and I would be alone to do what I wanted. I was wrong.

Mike and Kenny had already planned this. This was the day that Kenny was starting his new job. It was a night shift. They made sure that one of them would be with me 24/7. They forced me to eat. This was proving to be a challenge. I no longer had to make myself throw up, my body was just rejecting food. It was now an automatic response. They started giving me very small portions of food several times a day. They learned what foods were healthy to make sure I was getting what I needed. When I went into the bathroom for any reason, one of them sat outside the door to listen. They went to the store with me. If I took a walk, they were there. There was no escaping them. I really hated them at the time. I weighed myself one morning and the scale read 102 lbs. Oh my god, I had gained weight. This was not acceptable. When I went to take a shower that day, I had managed to hold down two small meals already. I had to get that food out of me. I could almost feel it adding inches. I snuck a screwdriver into the shower with me and removed the screen on the drain. I turned on the shower, and started to throw up into it. I thought the water would cover the sound. I was wrong. Mike came in and pulled me out of the shower. Naked, wet, and still throwing up as he was taking me out of the bathroom. At that moment, it seemed like a Lifetime movie. You know, those movies that are about someone else's family? I realized, this wasn't a movie. This was my life He took the screwdriver and removed the door off the bathroom and locked it in his room. I had just lost the right to use the bathroom with any form of privacy. I really hated him. Kenny was home that day too. I told them both I hated them and they had no right doing this. Kenny just told me they didn't want me to die. I assured him I was fine. I remember him asking me "Mike just pulled you off a shower floor while you're throwing up into a drain and you're fine?" . I told Kenny that I couldn't handle 102lbs. Because of them, I had gained weight. It was their fault I was over 100 lbs. Kenny went to the bathroom, got the scale and threw it out. I wasn't mad. I suddenly remembered on New Years, knowing something was wrong. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. I knew I needed them. When looking at them, I knew they did not enjoy this. This is not how they wanted to spend their days and nights. They had put my health before their social lives, clubbing, chicks and everything else they normally did. Kenny took a job he hated just because of the hours. Hours that made sure I wasn't alone. Mike was no longer working his position as a guitar tech for a local band. If they were willing to put me first, I knew I needed to do the same. I started to see a therapist. Mike and Kenny both went with me for some visits. At least one of them was in the waiting room for each visit. She felt that what they did was extreme, it had worked. She felt that I needed the extreme in order for it to work. They talked to her to get advice on how to deal with my situation and to try to understand what causes someone to do this to themselves. Slowly, I started to put on weight. After awhile, I became ok with putting on weight. I was getting to the root of what caused this. I was going to be ok. I realized that I didn't hate them, I loved them both. They very likely saved my life.

Although I never started to do any of that again, it did permanently impact me physically. It destroyed my teeth and at 35 years old I have dentures. My doctor did some tests, and luckily my esophagus is fine. The teeth is enough of a reminder of this that time of my life. I chose dentures over implants for many reasons, but the main one was to remind myself of what not to do.

I am not “thin.” I have decided to lose weight. Not to be “thin” though. I want to lose weight to be healthy. Which brings us back to the scale. I never replaced the scale that Kenny threw out. Now though, I thought that it would be a good thing to know my weight.

Buying a scale was hard. It took four different attempts. They scared me. I'd put them in the cart and put them back in the shelf. Now they tell you your body fat percentage and hydration level. That scared me. Did I really need to know this information about myself? Wasn't this just playing with fire? To top it off, the scaled all said “Thinner” at the top. Why? Why didn't they say “Healthier?” Why did they have to say anything at all? I made a list of reasons to have a scale and reasons not to. I finally bought one. I could lose weight. My Body Fat percentage needs to be lower. My hydration level was normal. I actually got positive news from it. I have written down a plan. I have researched. It is written down. I will journal daily, My husband is aware of my past, and I will have him there through this. I am a recovering bulimic. That is just a label. I can do this the right way. The healthy way.


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