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Cheers

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Redgrover
November 29, 2007

Inner Beauty

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Just some thoughts that have been building up...
Journaling:
When I think about my life this past year, my heart is full of emotion and complete surrender. I have been up, I have been down, and I have just been. I’ve watched myself overcome some obstacles, and I’ve watched myself wallow in self-pity and grief. I think most importantly, I have found a self that I never knew was there. I have found a self that is angry, bitter and hurtful. Those were times I am not proud of. I have worked through some pretty tough issues that have been hidden beneath the surface for years. After being diagnosed with post-partum depression, I battled the decision to take medication, to stay on medication and on some days, whether or not to stay alive on this earth. Suicide was a daily thought for me. After agreeing to take medication, I quickly pursued the idea of getting a therapist. Michelle Dye was one of my only saving graces during this time. She brought up some very rough subjects and forced me to see me for who I am and who I can be. She stirred up emotions that I didn’t even know existed in myself. She took me through the darkest of all places and in it all, I certainly found a beautiful light. That beautiful light I saw was in radiating from me. After hours in a room a Michelle, I came to see the other side of me. A side that is beautiful, kind, loving, giving, creative, fun, happy and thoughtful. I learned so much about who I really am. About the good things that I offer this world. About the happiness I feel when I allow myself to break free and just be who I am. About the way I can feel certain emotions and allow myself to really feel them, and not to ignore them or to think that I am undeserving. In turn for all the hurt that I have felt this year, I have improved relationships that I thought were beyond saving. I have come to learn that I am allowed to see myself as a beautiful person completely undefined by how I look, what I wear, or who I associate myself with. I am grateful for a year of struggle. I am grateful for the pain I felt. I am also very grateful for my faith and trust in the Lord and his Son Jesus Christ. It is the pure love of Christ that I found deep in myself. His true love for me as one of his own carried me through many a dark hour. I am grateful for a loving family and especially a loving mother who her put her own hurt and pain on the side to make sure that I knew of her love for me. I am so grateful for the light of my children. Their sweet sprits carried me through the darkest of days. Their radiant smiles reassured me on a daily basis that I was needed in their lives that the Lord had bigger and better things planned for other then sadness. This year, I can truly say that I have found myself. The self that I am, the self that I want to be, and the self that others need me to be. When I look in the mirror on a daily basis, I no longer see just a shell of person. I see beauty, I see light, I see happiness, and I see hope. Had it not been such a year for me, I doubt that I would ever learn that inner beauty is the most stunning of all.


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