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I don't often scrap about me … but sometimes you just have to get it out. KWIM? Journaling reads: Adjusting to life as a widow hasn't been easy. It's scary to go it alone, to take all the risks, to make all the decisions, to take all the blame. But, I've learned that I owe it to my children, my family, and to Craig's memory to be the best person I can be. Sadly, I had to become a widow to understand that. I'm discovering that I am smart, I am capable, and I have value. Sometimes I smile because I know Craig wouldn't have married someone who wasn't those things. This journey isn't fun. It's work. It's stressful. It's hard. And, I oftenfind myself apologizing to him for not understanding what the road looked like as the driver. I have to do it all now. The car stuff, the financial decisions, the taxes, the legal matters … in addition to the ‘girly stuff’ that I know so well. I'm surrounded by love and I have lots of support … which helps. But, this is my responsibility and I must prove to myself that I can do with my life what I have expected others to do with theirs. It's no easy task.The very deep pain I felt when Ma died made me realize that in some things we are ultimately alone. We are alone in the grief we feel, we are alone with those demons who reside deep inside us, and we are alone with our fear. No one knows my pain. Nor the remorse I feel knowing that the demons won a few battles. Nor my greatest fear of growing old alone. And, I'm glad for that. I hope what they see is a woman who has grown through her sorrow. A person doing the best that she can … with courage.


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