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Suzyplant
April 27, 2005

I Ask Myself WHY?

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This is a sad page I made about my brother's recent stroke. Too personal to be sharing, but I hope no one is offended by it. I recommend putting your thoughts in a layout when you are dealing with a tragedy as it was very theraputic. Here is the journaling:
I took this picture of my brother Randy the last time I saw him healthy and normal. He told me he thought it would be his last Christmas alive. I did not believe him, but it scared me. His eyes are filled with sadness here. There are so many creases on his face showing the stress he has been through for most of his life.

He has lived a tough life. He has been sad most of his life. He has made many poor decisions. He has come close to death many times. In the last few years, he has finally turned things around. He has a three year old son who he has full custody of. He just moved to Salt Lake City to be near our parents so they could help him take care of his boy. He had just met a wonderful girl from church who he hoped to marry. He had become an Elder and was preparing to go through the temple. We never thought we would see the day these things would happen in his life. We felt he was finally happy.

So, I ask myself WHY? Why did this next event in his life have to occur? Why is this chapter in his life necessary? Why do those who love him have to watch him suffer once more? Why? Why? Why? I have always been a devout Latter Day Saint. I have always had faith that has gotten me through my trials. I have always understood that life’s challenges are necessary to help us grow. But during this challenge, I ask myself WHY?

My brother had a terrible brain hemorrhage two weeks ago. The day after, with all of his family there to say goodbye, we thought he was already gone from us. My father and cousins laid their hands upon his head to give him a blessing. We planned on taking him off the respirator later that day. At the end of the blessing as we all tried to control our emotions, something shocking happened. He opened his tear filled eyes. He was still with us. It was not his time to go. We would not have to play God and make the tough decisions we had discussed. I had just witnessed a true miracle happen - a moment I will never forget.

Over the next few days he showed progress. He began to move. He became more responsive. The doctors told us his mind was still good and had not been affected. But his body had. He most likely would never be the same. As I sat by his bedside and tried to express my feelings towards him, I asked myself WHY? Why did this have to happen to him when he had already been through so much pain? Why did our family have to go through yet another trial? Why did my 73 year old mother and soon to be 80 year old father have to raise a little boy? Why would God let this happen to them?

We don’t know the answer yet. We just try to keep our faith as he shows slight improvement one day and steps back the next. The last night I was with him in the hospital, he left me with such a happy memory. I said my goodbyes and walked out. As I sadly looked back, I saw his limp hand slightly waving at me. I walked back and with tears in my eyes asked him, “Have you always been this cute?” He gave me the slightest smile around his respirator and nodded his head yes. I asked myself WHY I never noticed this before. Why did I not enjoy him more when he was whole? I just keep asking myself WHY. Someday I will know. For now I will just accept and trust …


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