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December 2, 2007

While You Were Out (I didn't lock the door) (2007)

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Just a bit of self-therapy here (also suggested therapy) . Hidden Journaling Reads:
There are times I can still feel your fists, hear my muffled screams, see the knife and smell the mixture of gasoline and some cheap cologne. It puts me into sudden fear that takes over me. It's as though it's all happening again. They tell me this will eventually end. I'm not sure I believe them. You left me there in my own own home, the one place I had felt safe. Now I don't feel safe anywhere. I hate being home alone. Every single noise bothers me. I couldn't sleep for what seemed like years. When I did sleep, it was only in spurts, the nightmares would always wake me up. Some nights, it's still that way. I always thought my immediate reaction to rape would be to call the police and to face you in court. Honestly, I didn't think I would ever have to deal with the situation. I was wrong on both counts. I didn't want to talk about it. I refused to answer questions. I just wanted to forget, but I couldn't. I wished you had killed me, then at least the nightmare would be over. I tried to do it myself, but failed. I am thankful for that now. Noone knew how to help me. Noone really understood. I blamed myself. If only I had locked that back door before getting into the shower that day. . After the therapists, I have finally started shifting the blame onto you. In my head I know it's not my fault, but sometimes I still think it is sometimes. This process seems to be so slow. I'm not sure it will ever be over. You changed me in ways I never wanted to be changed. A simple house creek terrifies me. A touch that I once loved now seems terrifying at times. I look at every strange man in stores as a possible assailant. I now question common human kindness. Now as I try to repair what I ended up leaving undone, discuss the event over and over again, try to get my life back to normal. You both walk the streets and live your normal lives as though none of this ever happened.


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