Livestream Party!
Join us today at 9:00am PT / 12:00pm ET | Details Here.
×
Scrapbook.com
Inspiration ⁄ Search: give blood

Cheers

Give a Cheer
Profile photo
Kirasmommy
July 21, 2005

My Miscarriage

Give cheer Give a Cheer
Favorite

I wrote this a couple days after my miscarriage. I wanted to get out all I had and was feeling at the time. Looking back, I am glad that I did as I had forgotten some of the 'better' moments. I had scanned my test strip to show a friend and then had a print made of it. The picture arrived after I lost the baby.
Here's the journaling-
Miscarriage- a word I never would have imagined would be a part of my life. On May 3rd, it was a word that I heard a lot.
We had been so excited to be parents again. Kira was excited to be a big sister. Everyday she asked if it was Christmas so the baby would be here. She had decided she wanted a baby brother- no matter what.
We had known while we were in Disney but waited to take the test when we got home. Nana and Papa were the first to know.
Things were going well. Doctors’ appointments were scheduled, billing department contacted us, and we started eating healthier. I started walking more.
It was at the doctors’ appointment on Friday April 29th that things started to fall apart for our baby and us. Dr Browne couldn’t see what she should have been able to see if I was 8 weeks pregnant with the internal ultrasound. We had another ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday with the technician and more blood work done that Friday. The blood work would determine better how far along I was by testing and counting the number of pregnancy hormones in my blood.
It was a very stressful weekend for me. I couldn’t sleep or eat or think. I was very concerned that something was very wrong and no one would tell me. Tuesday morning around 3am, I started to bleed. Not heavily, just a little and no cramping. I woke Dave up and called the doctors office to talk to the on call doctor. She tried to reassure me and told me to call the office in the morning to see if I needed to go in sooner. I tried to sleep but it didn’t work too well. When Kira woke up we put her in our bed while I showered. I then called the doctors office. They told me to come in for my appointment as scheduled.
I drank the quart of water for the ultrasound and was very uncomfortable waiting in the waiting room. Thank goodness I didn’t have to wait long. I had to have another internal ultrasound so I could go to the bathroom.
It took awhile for the tech to say anything- and it was horrible what she did say. She turned the monitor towards me so I could see also. There was the sac, the fetal pole, and the fetus. But no heartbeat. It took a few minutes to sink in. No heartbeat. No baby.
She had to go get a doctor so she left me in the room- staring at the ceiling. I was praying and crying that it was a mistake. Hoping when she came back that the heart would be beating. Wishing she was wrong. Dr Browne was on her way to the office from morning surgery so we decided to wait for her. The tech played around with the dials and the ultrasound wand for her then took it out and left the room. I knew. No amount of wishing, hoping or praying was going to give me my baby back. My heart sank to my toes. I felt like a failure. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn’t do? Will this happen again? Can I get pregnant again? Should I?
There were too many questions and emotions for me to handle. Dr Browne looked at me and said it is not a viable pregnancy. There’s nothing that can be done. I started to cry and composed myself -a little. She told me to get dressed and we’d talk in her office. I had to walk past the bulletin board of babies that have been delivered. It tore my heart out. I wanted to stand there and tear them all down. Destroy them like my world was being destroyed. I wanted to run into the waiting room and throw myself into Dave’s arms. Make him make it all go away. Then I thought of Kira. She would be scared to see me like that. Go talk to Dr Browne and figure this out.
The ultrasound tech got me a cup of water and I sat there and cried. Dr Browne walked in and gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. There are no answers as to why the fetus just stopped developing. Most likely it was a chromosome problem. The baby wouldn’t make it in the world- so nature made sure it didn’t make it that far.
Could it happen again? Yes it could. But there’s a good chance that it won’t. You can’t tell. Yes we can try again. Just give my body a break for a bit. That was my ray of sunshine- what I clung to the rest of this horrible terrible day. We could try again. Kira would make an amazing big sister- and I want to give her that chance.
We decided on a D&C instead of waiting for nature to finish what it started. It would just ensure that everything was out and I was okay. The procedure could be done today- later today. Dr Browne went to get Dave and Kira and schedule the OR. Dave knew. It was taking too long for an ultrasound and Dr. Browne looked concerned he told me. He walked in the room- I fell apart. Then I heard Kira. She was trying to comfort me. Trying to make the tears dry up. I filled Dave in on the details while holding my little rock.
We headed to the short-term stay area of the hospital. That was where we had the best care ever. They were all so sweet and caring. They talked with Kira. They got her some coloring pages and crayons to play with while they prepped me. Dave then took her to lunch to make some phone calls and tell her. When they came back- Kira climbed into my bed to tell me that the baby was sick and had to come out. We wouldn’t be taking it home with us. That it was okay, we could try again. It was so sweet that the nurse had to leave the room because she was tearing up. One of the nurses had found a doctor bear to give to Kira and had left it for her on the chair… she thought he was pretty neat.
The surgery went well and I was home by 7:30pm. I was emotionally drained and exhausted. We let Kira stay up for a bit. She was such a little trooper all day. When I went to bed, Kira came with me. Just to make sure I was okay.
I think Kira is the reason I can get through this okay. It hurts. I’ll be very scared the next pregnancy- if there is another one. But I have Kira and Dave and they are my world.

Journalled May 5th, 2005


layouts scrapbooking miscarriage Journaling
Report

Cheer sent!

Thanks for spreading positivity!

SavedRemovedChanged