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Cheers
Give a Cheer
Give a Cheer
It took me 7 years of LO attempts at this page before I felt this was "right." What makes this layout right is the journaling which came spilling out one nite at 2 am.
Journaling: My dear broken angel– Your death has affected my life in so many ways. It became a life event in which I measure time something's either “before Michelle died” or after. Memories of that tragic week will always remain with me… seeing the heartbreak in Grandpa's face as he came to tell us the news & knowing even before he spoke that my reality wouldn't be the same; breaking down in class during a discussion about your death; being shocked at your wake b/c you didn't look like you so still & because I knew what the turtleneck hid; the hymns sung at your service-I still cry whenever I sing them in church; at the grave hearing your daughter-only 3 yr old-asking her daddy if you'd be coming home now & hearing Aaron explain that you couldn't b/c heaven is now your home; wondering why this happened & if there was anything I could have done…
Now 7 years later I sit here writing this crying b/c the memories & heartbreak are so vivid still. Life has gone on though. I have 2 children of my own—David & DJ. David's 6 yr old & DJ's 8-months—the same age as Douglas back then. I can't imagine leaving my babies behind. How the decision to do what you did must have hurt. I'm older than you when you died. Shortly after I turned 24, I had a mini emotional crisis b/c it felt so wrong to grow older than you—to know & feel how much life there still is; to experience life when you can't.
Now that I'm older I can see the pressures you must have felt as working wife & mom of 2 balancing family, work, extended family & day-to-day life, especially when you're battling yourself—when you struggle just not to hate yourself, much less love yourself. You were so loved by everyone, it still seems hard to believe that you couldn't see yourself as that beautiful, smart, friendly woman with the brilliant smile we saw. I miss you. I love you. Your cousin, Amy (June 2005)
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Thanks for spreading positivity!
December 24, 2012
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