This was an interesting page to do... I want my scrapbooks to be REAL, honest accounts of our lives, so I figure scrap the hard stuff to... Anyway, the journaling is miles long... Half of it had to be hidden journaling so I could get a picture on the page..
It is an incredibly humbling thing to find that you have no control when you thought you did even though you know that is really impossible. When you suddenly find that you cannot even control something as minor as eating. (OH for a steak!) I have learned so much over the past week. I’m not sure I could actually ever truly put it all on paper. I have seen the Lord work mightily through pain in my life again and again, it is always in the midst of suffering when Christ is the most real to us. I laughed this morning at the thought that the Lord is sifting me and my wisdom teeth must have been chaff! I struggled so badly on Saturday, I had expected to be feeling much better and out of bed as of Saturday morning (at least that is what the surgeon told me to expect) However, it took me until Tuesday to even be able to get out of bed for any length of time and even then, I was simply ‘out of bed’. After being in my bed for four days it was as if I had relinquished my ‘mommy status.’
My time down taught me about the pride, arrogance and sin rooted so firmly in my heart. How I was not giving the glory to the Lord in the every day care of my family, though I ‘thought’ I was, in reality, I was just determined to be the best I could be, to strive for perfection and then be injured if others thought me short of that (especially my children). I was trying (again) to do it all on my own strength. I realized that I have forgotten how to be still and know that He is God, and allow Him to fill me up with His strength in the midst of my days. No wonder I was feeling so burnt out, so frustrated and was actually looking forward to a few hours of being knocked out. I kept thinking that it was selfishness at the root of my problems and that if I just served more I would conquer that issue of self, however, having all opportunity to serve my family snatched away from me for a time made me realize that I was taking pride in that service. Deep rooted bitter pride.
Now, I want to stop right here and make mention of something very important… People would say, ‘don’t be so hard on yourself that is what grace is for.’ I want to be sure that I allow people a window into my heart here. I am not being hard on myself, I am comparing my conduct and my heart with what it should be in light of the Word of God. As Christians we are to strive to be like Christ to be a reflection of His glory. I have failed and fallen miserably short and I have learned in my few short years that when I sin, I must own it, I must suffer the consequences and even more painfully so must my family and those close to me. I do ask for forgiveness and I know in my heart that I receive grace and I take it joyfully, but that does not take away the fact that my heart is black and sinful and has been since my birth. I must be on guard, I must learn from the things that the Lord teaches me and I must acknowledge it when I fail and not pass the blame as is so popular in our world today. Nobody made me do it, not satan, not anyone but my own selfish pride.
I am put to the test today, was my time of trial and learning real to my heart. Am I willing to change and lay my pride down before the Lord. How do I re-enter as the parent without developing pride, so much is on my heart today. I want this newfound understanding of my sin to stay fresh, that I may allow the Lord full and free reign in my heart, so that He may continue to change and shape me into the creation He has made me to be.
I am blessed beyond blessed that in those times that I cannot be at the helm of my home I have such an amazing support system that holds me up. I am not under any pile today as I come back to a clean house and a fridge full of amazing food. But can I resume training my children without falling back to old practices? I need prayer on this count, that I will moment by moment surrender to the Lord and allow HIM to rule me as I react to and train my children.
Here are my verses to memorize and cling to in the week to come as I begin again (oh isn’t that cool! I get to begin again, and again and again.. what a mighty God!!)
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines,
The produce of the olive fail
And the fields yield no food,
The flock be cut off from the fold
And there be no herd in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
I have become as a wonder to many, But You are my strong refuge. Let my mouth be filled with Your praise and with Your glory all the day. ~Psalm 71:7-8