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Cheers

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Zeebootee
September 21, 2005

Inside J&C

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These photo's expose my biggest physical insecurities but I took a leap and went for it! :)

Journaling:

As I lay in bed, all cozy under my duvet, thinking about my life and what brings me joy and comfort, I had many immediate answers. The most obvious is my husband, my strength, lying beside me, softly inhaling and exhaling. My next thought was of my family and friends, who have been so encouraging and supportive throughout the years. I doubt I would have made it this far without them. As I continued, my train of thought moved to the little things in my daily life that bring me joy and comfort. Things like my morning cup of tea, a steaming hot bath on a cold night, my favorite slippers, and that first spritz of my favorite perfume, Trésor, my signature scent since Christmas 1992.
With all these wonderful thoughts, I couldn't help but think deeper and ask what is joy and comfort? I mean what is it truly? Is it emotional or physical? Or both? How does joy and comfort affect me daily? How does it affect my life? That is when the answer hit me. For just over a year and a half now, I have enjoyed a better quality of life. I have been experiencing a daily joy and comfort that has given me new hope and most of all, less pain. The thing responsible for this new comfort comes in a little bottle that has to be kept refrigerated, mixed and injected twice a week, my Enbrel. How could a needle possibly bring joy and comfort? Well, that tiny little prick, and small amount of itching is nothing compared to being otherwise unable to function and in constant pain.
Just two months after getting married, my arthritis took a turn for the worst. It was gradual but at a fast pace. I was soon barely able to move without tears. Some days I couldn't brush my hair and could barely bend my elbow or have enough strength to hold a toothbrush and brush my teeth. Many days Jeff would get home from work to find me in bed, unable to function because the slightest movements were just too much to bear. Granted there were "better" days, days when I could fully dress myself, including putting on socks, days when I could sit and stand in one try. And then there was the day at the doctor's office where I, for the very first time, was being shown how to inject myself with this life- changing protein. Of course I didn't know then how life-altering it would be, and as I sat in front of the nurse pinching my tummy with one hand while holding that needle 2 inches away, I wasn't even sure if it would be worth trying! I took a deep breath and went for it. In fact that first time, I didn't even feel it. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. Within two weeks I started feeling the change. My range of motion in my elbows and knees increased and the pain was starting to decrease. Not only could I bend my knee enough to reach my shoes, but also I was gaining enough strength in my hands to tie them. I was just like a little kid and found that on a daily basis I was calling out to Jeff, saying, "Look what I can do…" in my best Stewart voice from Madd TV. As the months passed, it occurred to me that I had been doing things for weeks that I hadn't been able to do in months, like putting my hair in a ponytail, or lifting my mug of tea with one hand. And now, it amazes me when I think back to how debilitated I was. It seems strange remembering how I would have to roll onto the arm of the couch to try to hoist myself up, or how many times I just sat and cried out of frustration. It took a huge toll on me, both emotionally and physically. However, through all of my suffering, I have come to appreciate the strength of love and commitment, knowing that no matter what happens I will be supported and taken care of. I know it sounds cliché, but I've also learned that it's the little things in life that are most important. Today I enjoy those little things more and have a much greater appreciation for them than I did before.
To define joy and comfort now, I would have to say it is having the emotional and physical ability to live happily on a daily basis. Without this I wouldn't be where I am today, with all these small successes that continue to get better. I wouldn't be creating like I am, which is my release. This little bottle and this tiny needle have given me back the ability to live my life, to enjoy my life and to look forward to each new day. This is a literal joy and comfort that I wouldn't change for anything.

TFL

** Edited to add that our very own Ms. Emily helped edit my journaling and did a fantastic job! Thanks again Girly! :)


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Cheer sent!

Thanks for spreading positivity!

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