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*gulp* Ok, this was the most difficult layout I've ever done. I realize that it's not the best layout scrapbooking/design-wise, but I got the pic and journaling on there, and that's all that mattered to me.

My journaling is on the left side of the layout. I had been keeping a baby journal on the computer and I decided to include that on the layout as well. That's on the right side. Also on the right side is a poem that really hit home to me, provided by LibbyJo. Thanks Libby. :)

Thanks for looking- Heather



Dear Baby #2,
September 2, 2005- 4 Weeks Along
I’ve been thinking about how I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal about my second child, and today would be the appropriate day to start! This morning Brian and I went to the library, then went to Walmart to get a few things. I was two days late, so I thought I would get a pregnancy test to take sometime this Labor Day weekend. I had no plans to take it today! But as soon as we got home, around 11:30, I couldn’t wait to find out. I was shaking. The positive sign on the pregnancy test showed up right away, and I started crying. Brian came running in the bathroom when he heard me and said, “Cry?” and I just hugged him. For the next hour or so, I kept having crying spells (surprise, surprise!) and would go back to look at the test to see if the line was still there, though I knew it wouldn’t go away. I said a few small prayers, being so grateful for this tremendous opportunity to have you.
Right now it’s the middle of the afternoon, and Brian is taking a nap and dad is at work. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to tell him about you. We will probably tell our friends and family fairly soon.
I’ve done a rough estimate of your due date, which seems to be about May 9, 2006. Dad will be graduating the first week in May, so that will certainly be a crazy time in our life!
For some reason I knew that August would be the month that I got pregnant. It’s also what I wanted, and it’s a bit odd how things worked out like I planned! It rarely goes that way.
So far I feel fine, though I have been a bit more tired and more emotional. I’m very excited for you to come join our little family, though I am scared out of my mind. Know that you have an incredible daddy. He will love you and be someone you really look up to in your life. He is an amazing man and would do anything for you. I can hardly wait to find out how he’s going to react to the news! You’re also going to have such a wonderful big brother. I know that there will be some adjustment periods, but Brian is going to be so good to you. He is a big help and so full of life and love.
I love you already.
Love,
Mom

September 4, 2005
It’s now been two days since I found out I was pregnant..... not a long time in the grand scheme of things! Friday night I took Brian to Grandma Smith’s house, and then went home to wait for dad to come home. When he finally got home around 5:30, I told him to hurry and get ready because we were going out to eat! I wanted to drive. He thought we were going to Gandolfo’s, but instead I drove to the Olive Garden. YUM! Dad was a bit confused/worried as to why we were there, but I assured him that I knew what I was doing. Once we were seated, I started shaking. I was wondering how/when I would tell him. I decided that I was just going to come out and say it.. After the salad and breadsticks arrived and we had dished some up for our plates, but before we took any bites, I simply leaned over to him and quietly said, “I’m pregnant.” He looked at me and saw the tears and my eyes, and his eyes started welling up too. What a moment. I was glad that we were in a public place because then it helped me keep the crying to a minimum! We were still in a daze for the rest of the night.
I haven’t felt too sick yet, although I’ve definitely been tired and I’ve had to go to the bathroom a LOT!!! We’re not sure about when we’re going to tell our family/friends. My birthday is in two weeks, so we thought about doing it then, but we’re still not sure.

Monday, October 03, 2005- almost 9 weeks
Wow- it has almost been a month since I’ve written! This last month has gone by really slow. We told our parents the weekend that we found out, and everyone is really excited. I’ve been feeling pretty sick, but the worst is at night. However, the worst thing is that I don’t have energy to do anything! I’m just so tired and worn out all the time. I’m taking full advantage of sleeping on my tummy while I can, as I know that I will miss that SO much soon! So far I’ve been craving fruit, which is a really good thing. The fruit never tastes as good as I hoped it would, but it’s delicious nonetheless. I’ve got my first doctor appointments this week! Tomorrow I go in for the blood work (not looking forward to that) and then Friday we go in for the first real appointment and the ultrasound! I’m really hoping we can hear your heartbeat! It’s so weird for me to look at me tummy and think that there is a little person in there! It just boggles my mind, but it’s so exciting! I love you.
Mom

Monday, October 10, 2005
Well, today has been a really sad day. My appointment had to be rescheduled for this morning, and daddy, Brian, and I went in for the ultrasound. They couldn’t find a heartbeat, and the doctor figures that you died about two weeks ago, as it measured you at 8 weeks and 2 days. I’m bawling right now and can hardly stand the pain of writing to someone that’s never going to read this. Know that I love you very much and was so excited to meet you. The doctor said that this was not my fault in any way, that you just probably weren’t developing the way that you should. I know there was a reason for this to happen, but that doesn’t make the tears go away. I will be having a D&C on Friday to take care of you, and the thought just makes me cry harder. When we got home from the appointment, I was just sitting on the couch and crying. Brian was so sweet and came up to me and said, “It’s okay,” and gave me the sweetest little kiss. Of course this made me cry harder and even made dad shed a tear or two. I’m not sure how to end this, as I really don’t want this to be the end of your story. Sweetheart, I love you.
Mom

Poem:
Just Those Few Weeks
Susan Erling

For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks--
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

When I was a little girl and I thought about the picture-perfect life I wanted to have later on... a husband, children, and a happy home, this experience was definitely not included in my idea of a fairy tale. I had never really thought about miscarriages much before, but when I did, my naive thought process was just that it couldn’t be that bad... that you never even met the baby so there wasn’t that big of a connection and that you could just get pregnant again and move on. How stupid and hollow that seems to me now. Of course with time I’ll be able to move on and hopefully I’ll be able to be pregnant again, but in those 11 weeks I had definitely started to bond with that sweet baby. I enjoyed reading to it, talking to it, and loving it. I loved reading books about the development of the baby and how big it was getting. I thought about how I would get to find out the gender and hopefully feel its movement around Christmas. I was ecstatic that I didn’t have heartburn problems early on as I did with Brian! I was so proud of myself for eating well and not missing a day of vitamins. I loved rubbing my tummy and thinking about how there was a tiny human being inside that depended solely on me. What an incredible responsibility.
Through this experience I have realized that miscarriages are indeed a real loss. There are many reasons why they happen, but I often wonder what this reason was. My doctor was very adamant at making sure I knew that this was in no way my fault. Of course that makes me feel a lot better, though I know that I would never purposely do anything to hurt my baby.
People have told me that I should be happy that it wasn’t “worse”... that I wasn’t further along and actually had to deliver the baby, and to be glad that I didn’t even yet know if it was a boy or a girl. Of course I’m glad for that and I have a lot to be grateful for considering the circumstances, but that doesn’t make the sting go away. Now rather than looking forward to that first week in May, 2006, I’m dreading it.
I believe that sometimes experiences happen to you so that you can help other people. Maybe that’s part of the reason that this happened, maybe not. Maybe there’s something that I needed to learn from this, like how I need to appreciate a healthy pregnancy and appreciate the miracle of life, and how delicate it really is. Maybe it just wasn’t yet meant to be.
There is the quote "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." How true that is. In an odd way I am grateful for this experience, as I am a better person because of it. I came to love another person. I became more unselfish and to be constantly aware of the fact that whatever I did, good or bad, it was affecting my baby. I have learned to trust in my Father in Heaven and know that things happen for a reason and that it will all be okay. I learned to rely on my wonderful husband, family, and friends. How grateful I am for them! I know that I will be with my baby again, and until then, it can watch over my little Brian and take care of the other children I hope to have in my home someday. Journaling finished 11-03-05


If you made it through all that, congratulations. :)


Supplies:
Bazzill Cardstock
Basic Grey PP
MM rub-ons
Pressed Petals chip chatter
MM brads
May Arts Ribbon
MM Metal Plaque (says "A mother's love never fails")
Karen Foster brads
Misc. blooms from Michaels
MM baby phrases
Colorbox Ink


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