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Cheers
Give a Cheer
Give a Cheer
Sometimes things aren't what they seem, like for instance, the fact that our adoption looked so certain but yet it was not.
Here is my heart on the matter:
Saturday was the two week mark from the due date, the day that we finally have closure and begin to grieve the loss of our baby. However, to be honest I felt that closure and have already been grieving for several days. I've had ups and downs with grieving and today is a better day, however one thing I do know for sure is that grief has many stages and we are not done yet. I wonder sometimes if it is actually possible to cry any more tears than I already have. It is a comfort to know that not only does the Lord understand my tears and my prayers but He holds them dear.
It is amazing how when we embrace and walk with Sorrow and Suffering, when we allow them to work in us and allow them to be our companions they are transformed into Joy and Peace.
I talked to our caseworker today and asked her to return our album to be shown. Which means we again begin the wait to be chosen by a birth mother. For one thing I know, I have not stopped my love for this mother nor the baby she carried. Though it has hurt dearly I know that she needs my love and my prayers for the job she has at hand at raising this sweet one.
Little did I know at the beginning of this journey what lay ahead, yet I can say with all of my heart, I would not change the things that have happened along the way. I had a prayer of several months ago answered in all of this, I had prayed that the Lord would give me a fresh and clear view of His character, that He would refresh my heart and my desire in Him. I can answer without a doubt that I have seen clearly who God is and that He tenderly lovingly works in every single corner of our lives. That we aren't just plodding along in this world trying our best but that every thing that happens moment to moment is orchestrated for our good and for His glory. Oh to Him be the glory!
I don't know where the rest of this journey will take us but I am willing to go, I am willing to lay myself out there again and be vulnerable before another mother, I am willing to love her and I am willing to love her baby, even if she also rejects us.
I want to share a bit out of "Hinds Feet On High Places" that I read this morning... Oh how it made my heart leap as it was exactly what I had been thinking early this morning yet is said so much more beautifully in the book than I could ever put it!
"At last she put her hand in his and said softly, "My Lord, I will tell you what I have learned."
"Tell me," he answered gently.
"First," said she. " I learned that I must accept with joy all that you allowed to happen to me on the way and everything to which the path led me! That I was never to try to evade it but to accept it and lay down my own will on the altar and say, 'Behold me, I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy."
He nodded without speaking, and she went on, "Then I learned that I must bear all that others were allowed to do against me and to forgive with no trace of bitterness and to say to thee, 'Behold me- I am thy little handmaiden Bearing-with-Love,' that I may receive power to bring good out of this evil."
Again he nodded, and she smiled still more sweetly and happily.
"The third thing that I learned was that you, my Lord, never regarded me as I actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. You saw me as I would be when you had done what you promised and had brought me to the High Places, when it could be truly said, 'There is none that walks with such a queenly ease, nor with such grace, as she.' You always treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already and not wretched little Much-Afraid." Then she looked up into his face and for a little time could say no more, but at last she added, "My Lord, I cannot tell you how greatly I want to regard others in the same way."
A very lovely smile broke out on his face at that, but he still said nothing, only nodded for the third time and waited for her to continue.
"The fourth thing," said she with a radiant face, "was really the first I learned up here. Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to your will can be transformed. Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason why we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."
Please continue to hold our family in prayer, there is still much heartache for the boys as well as for hubby and I. But there is hope and glory to the Lord at the same time.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
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