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Love1972
June 1, 2006

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This LO is for my circle journal "The Me Nobody Knows." It was a really difficult, but ultimately freeing LO to do. This is the first LO I've done about myself...a bit of scrap therapy, if you will...

Journaling:
"I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Not the 'pull the curtains and curl up into a ball for days at a time' type of depression- although I must admit, I have had a few times in my life where I've done that. Just a shadowy threat of sadness looming over me, following me wherever I go. Sometimes, it disappears for months at a time, only to reappear unexpectedly. Sometimes, it's fleeting, striking severely and profoundly for a day or two. Other times, it is a slow, lingering subtle weight that lasts for weeks or months. I have tried medication, and sometimes it's effective, sometimes not. When I am on medication, I feel numbed, like my brain is somehow cushioned from everything- good and bad. I don't like the feeling, but know there are times when I really need it. More times than not, I try to pull myself out of it on my own. I rarely tell anyone what is happening with me when I feel depressed. Now, I don't think anyone has ever accused me of being overly bubbly or happy-go-lucky. That's just not me. But I don't think most people, even my husband, realize the depths of my sadness at times. There are days where I force myself to put on a happy face, crack jokes, smile and laugh at the appropriate times, all the while knowing that it is a facade, silently willing myself to appear "normal." Inside, I feel like I am desperately treading water, trying to keep my head from sinking, struggling to keep afloat. I keep this from my husband and family, not wanting to worry anyone. I keep it from them because I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy, or weak, or selfish. It is the me that nobody knows."


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