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Mutt Puppies
We had a dog that lived in the basement with her litter of puppies. We could not afford dog food, but the mother dog tried to feed her puppies even though she was starving. The puppies whimpered because they could not get enough milk, but she lay resolutely allowing them to suck the strength out of her. I brought her oatmeal with sugar in it, hoping it would help her. I wanted to put milk in it but we did not have any. It did not matter anyway because she did not eat the oatmeal. The next time I went downstairs, I found maggots in her bowl. My mother said I had to take the dogs to the police station to get them put to sleep. I couldn’t carry them all, so I took my younger sister Suzie. We talked and cried all the way. The plump officer was annoyed at us asking him to do such an unpleasant job, so he made us watch. He hooked a big trunk to the tailpipe of the police car, put in the dog and her puppies, and then closed the lid on the trunk. He got into the car and gunned the engine. The dogs clawed at the box and whimpered. When they stopped crying we knew they were dead.
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Why are some babies precious and others worthless?
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In 1965, our family fell apart, once and for all.
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And the worst part is, I was the one who put the ball in motion.
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Even if I wanted to, I could never have put it back the way it was. Of course I didn’t want it to go back, but the weight of breaking up a family is heavy for the shoulders of a 14 year old. One night in April, after being beaten and raped by my stepfather, and thinking I was pregnant with his child, I tried to commit suicide. I told a nurse at the hospital about the rapes. After 4 days confined to the mental ward, I was released and sent home, incredulous. That evening, a social worker came and got me. My stepfather, Ralph Hein, acted like he did not have a clue. The social worker interviewed me and took me to a doctor. The next day, they got my sister Suzie, interviewed and examined her. We were both put into Aunt Trec’s temporary foster home in Athens. It was decided that Suzie was too young to testify, and only I should go to court. Ralph was arrested on the third day and they took the 4 little children—Barbara, Ralphie, Georgie and Linda—leaving my mother alone at 7 months pregnant. I helped the social worker take the babies to the home of the Murphy’s in Catskill and get them settled there. They were fed, bathed and deloused within an hour, and then I left. I did not see any of the little ones again for 17 years, and some of them I have not seen ever again. After we left my mother’s home, she had 2 more babies, Brenda and Billy, whom I have never seen. I do not know their birth dates, which of them is older, their names, or even if they are alive. I tried, but can not find out any information about them except those 2 first names.
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I stayed at Aunt Trec’s for about a month, during which time I testified at a Grand Jury against my stepfather. He confessed to 1 count of 2nd degree rape, which was actually a small portion of the assaults he committed over the preceding 4 ½ years. He was sentenced to 2-4 years in Clinton Prison in Dannemora, NY. For a long time, I worried that he would come back to hurt me for turning him in. I wish I had also testified about other illegal things I had witnessed him doing, but I was relieved to get away from him. I’m glad I never saw him again. If I had, I know I would have been hard pressed not to kill him.
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In May, after his conviction, I moved to Westkill, high in the Catskill Mountains, to live with Ray and Laura Lasher. I lost track of my sister Suzie and did not see her again until 1982, more than 17 years later. She lived out her childhood in foster care, and has the self-esteem to prove it. As for my mother, all was bleak. She never regained custody of her children, and even lost the 2 babies she bore after we left, though she tried hard to hold onto them. I never forgave my mother for not taking better care of me and my siblings. I know I did the right thing, because sooner or later, living with her and Ralph would have killed me.
I was the feisty child. I had a big mouth and I fought back. Ralph worked hard to break my spirit, but in the end, I beat him. His punishment was not as bad as he deserved, but I was the only 14 year old I knew who had sent a man to prison. I know that what I did was even right for the little ones. Caring for them was too much responsibility for me at that age. When the babies went into foster care, I was relieved. It was the best I could do for them. The Lasher’s house was paradise for me. I had a room of my own, clean clothes, plenty to eat, time to study and I learned to sew.
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I did the right thing, didn’t I?
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Thanks for spreading positivity!
September 15, 2006
June 19, 2006