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Average. That sums up my life so well. Everything I have done and everything I will probably ever do is average. Ugh. I did so well at school but it went downhill in high school: jr varsity field hockey for four years, no big awards at graduation despite a great GPA, applied to dozens of scholarships but no bites at all. I did get into Cal Poly so that was good. But you had to declare a major and electrical engineering was a mistake. I tried to change, but my GPA wasn’t good enough. I settled on materials engineering because they didn’t care about GPAs. I did the work to graduate but never really got into the studies. I was never passionate about it. <p>Then came the worst part of my life. Unemployment. I couldn’t find a job…at all. I had temp jobs here and there. I sent out hundreds of resumes and had dozens of interviews. Since I wasn’t passionate about my studies, it showed in my interviews. Who wants to hire someone average after all. It took two and half years to find someone to hire me as a real full time employee. It was so demeaning, but what else can you do but go for another interview? I finally got a job and it was good, but awhile. But it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. During all this I met Joe, which is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is such a rock. I became a step mother to Sara, something else I wasn’t too great at. Lots of pain there. We got married. I didn’t like my job very much so we decided to try and have a baby. Hey I was good at that I guess. Calvin was born less than 10 months after we got married. I wasn’t even good at giving birth. After 24 hours of labor, I had an emergency C-section and was completely unconscious for the birth. I wasn’t a very good mom to a baby. Just ugh. <p>Life went on and I tried some hobbies. Stained glass and cross stitching never went very far. I found scrapbooking and really loved it. I had to go and think I could get published though. For 18 months I submitted over 200 layouts…and got precisely one published. Wow that blew my ego to shreads. Enough self flagellation there so I decided to try another scrapbooking venture. So I started a scrapbooking business. It is hardly a stellar achievement to date. Average yet again. Motherhood continues to be average. I will never be the ideal mother. I love my kids but a lot of the time I don’t like them very much and just want to be left alone.<p>So why am I punishing myself by reliving all my averageness? Heck if I know. I don’t blame others for it. Mostly it is my choice to be average. Most of the world is average. Despite what motivational speakers say, not everyone can be spectacular. It everyone was fantastic, then everyone would be average by comparison. I don’t live for affirmations. I don’t care if I am good enough or if everyone likes me…but I would like to be really good at something.
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