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Scraptathlon
November 20, 2006

Face of Depression - Lft. Side

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Created for the final week of Scraptathlon 4. Had to create a LO about ACCEPTANCE. This was a journaling LO and we had to have a min. of 100 words.

Journaling Reads:
Depression: a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity

I am afflicted with the disease of depression. Not something I really wanted to admit or acknowledge. But I finally had to. There was no choice. I was suffering, my family was suffering, my work was suffering, and my quality of life was at an all-time low.

I reached a point in my life where I just didn't have the desire to do much of anything. I had stopped cooking which led to eating out which led to weight gain. I also found myself incredibly annoyed with and by my children all the time. Even the most innocent, non-invasive question would bring out the worst in me. I simply wanted to be left alone. And I cried a lot. About nothing. It was ridiculous. I did not like who I had become. I did not like that I was hurting the people I loved more than anything.

I initially made an appointment with my doctor because I'd begun to have more frequent and more intense migraine headaches. We have a very astute doctor and after talking with me briefly, he told me he was pretty sure I was suffering from depression. I was NOT happy to hear that. In fact, I got quite defensive. He suggested I just try an antidepressant for a little while to see if made any difference. He further went on to explain to me that due to the history of depression on my mother's side of the family and the history of alcoholism on BOTH sides of my family, it was quite possible that my depression wasn't something that would ever "go away." Again, something I definitely did not want to hear.

I reluctantly agreed to start taking Prozac. We made an appointment for me to see him again in 6 months. At that follow-up appointment I complained that while my mood was slightly better, I had gained a considerable amount of weight and was feeling very self-conscious about it. I didn't think Prozac was a good choice for me. We switched to another antidepressant which worked much better.

After about a year and a half on the medication I decided it was time to stop taking it and see how things would go. My doctor agreed but made me promise that I would call him immediately if I found I was falling back into a world of anger, sadness, listlessness and despair. I agreed I would. After about a year my husband told me I was not a pleasant person to be around and I had to admit I had started yelling at the kids about EVERYTHING. This went on for several more months. I simply did not want to admit I would have to take an antidepressant for the rest of my life.

I tried different things, including prayer, Bible study, the "biblical approach to depression," and other things. Nothing worked.

I had to admit to myself and ACCEPT the fact that through no fault of my own, I was someone who had the DISEASE of DEPRESSION. It was a matter of a chemical imbalance in my brain that I could do nothing about on my own. This was difficult for me to accept since I had always been able to solve my own problems. I was, in fact, proud of the fact that I had somehow managed to escape the ugly circle of alcohol and drug dependency that seemed to plague both sides of my family. But I was powerless over this disease and I knew I could not let my family suffer or worse yet, lose my family, when there was something I could do to help myself.

This road has been a long and bumpy one at times, but since I have accepted this disease as part of who I am, I can manage it much more effectively with the help of knowledgeable and capable doctors. I have learned to recognize signs and symptoms that I need to be aware of and I have learned a most important lesson and that is to ASK FOR HELP when I need it.


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