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this is for the March imperfect lives challenge, Life goes on...

hidden journaling reads:

I have tried several times to sit down and journal my feelings about July 27th 2002. That wonderful yet awful day that Jaden Christopher was born. Every time I do I am at such a loss for words, how do you put such emotions down on paper when just thinking about it all brings tears to your eyes. Tears of both thanksgiving and of relief, yet of sadness at the same time.
Everything seemed to be going fairly normal, at about 11pm on the 26th I went into labor with Jaden and we headed off to the hospital. My dad met us there and picked up Caleb. Things moved along slowly and as they progressed I decided it would be a good time for an epidural. After the epidural was in and after throwing up all over my poor husband my labor began to slow, because it slowed the doctors decided to break my water in order to speed things up. I was napping and resting between contractions when all of the sudden alarms started going off,
I was so confused as nurses poured into the room and started picking me up making me get onto my hands and knees. The doctor came in and insisted that we place an internal monitor on Jadenís head, because his heart rate had dropped so quickly. After all the craziness subsided we were moved into a delivery room. I remember thinking it was so wrong, something wasnít right, I just couldnít put my finger on it. As the next shift of nurses changed and our new nurse came in I was immediately uncomfortable with her. About an hour later Jadenís heart rate started to drop again, that nurse just stood there and watched it, I remember Chris looking worried and asking her about it and she just started messing with the machine but didnít do anything to help me. I remember fear just building up in my heart when again the room filled with nurses and doctors, yelling and shouting and making me get up on my knees again. I remember the doctor yelling for that nurse to just get out of the room. They worked and worked, I was 9 Ĺ centimeters dilated but they could not deliver him yet. Then his heart stopped, I remember the doctor actually getting herself up on my stretcher as she shouted out directions to everyone in the room and riding along with me to the operating room, I remember her apologizing several times that she could not deliver him without a c-section because I was not quite 10 centimeters, but that his heart had stopped and they had to deliver right away or we would loose him.
The operating room was even more chaotic then before, she kept trying to start the surgery but I could feel everything, the anesthesiologist worked and worked with my epidural but it was no use, they could not do anything to make me numb enough, just as she made the call to put me under for the surgery Chris walked in, I remember his eyes, he looked so scared. And the doctor immediately had the nurses take him out of the room because of me being under. I canít even begin to describe the sheer panic that overwhelmed me at that moment.
When I woke up I couldnít see, they said it was because of the medications they used to put me to sleep. I donít remember to much, I could hear Chris on the phone.
Several hours later I still could not see very well, just make out shadows and light. I still had not seen Jaden, not that I remembered anyway. I had been told that they took him to NICU because he was having trouble breathing, something about transition. I think I went to see him, but couldnít hold him because of all the ivís and oxygen tubes. The nurses told me that they had never seen a baby with such a temper before, that he kept pulling all the tubes and everything off of himself. I am blessed by that the fiery temper the Lord gave to Jaden. Even to this day there are times I look at my child and praise the Lord for that fiery strong will He put into my Jaden, to help him survive it all.
Finally after Jaden being born in the morning I got to hold him and actually SEE him around midnight that night. He was just perfect! It was all worth it to finally hold my sweet baby! I remember being completely shocked at the full head of dark hair, which is now blonde!
Sadly my part of the story doesnít end there, the nurse I had that night decided to prematurely take my catheter out and made me get out of bed, after practically begging her, telling her that I could not walk I was to dizzy she still insisted on getting me up and into the bathroom. I was almost in tears telling her I was going to pass out, the last words I remember hearing where, ďoh no dear, your not going to pass outĒ And I did, I fell backwards and hit my head on the bathroom counter and then fell to the floor between the counter and the potty.
She got me back up and I warned her I was going to go again, and I did and fell forward onto the trashcan.
Then after returning home I developed an infection in my uterus.
My recovery was long and painful.
But yet, we moved on and had two more precious little boys and our life has gone on, not unaffected by the entire ordeal. No, we have grown, we have changed as we have learned to trust the Lord on an even deeper level. We still suffer the consequences of that original choice to receive the epidural, and the choice to break my water which led to cord prelapse which is what caused Jadenís heart to stop. But even with it all life still goes on, and because of those choices I cannot become pregnant again. Before we got married Chris and I had talked in detail about our desire to have 3 or 4 children and then adopt 1 or 2 children. I believe that if everything had not happened with Jaden, we may not have ever come to the place where adoption looked like a reality, I believe the Lord guided our lives this direction because somewhere out there our precious little girl is waiting to come home.
And Jaden... He is my miracle!