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Elleanne
March 26, 2007

Praise You in This Storm (digital)

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This is a digi redo of a paper layout about my infertility. It's such an emotional subject that I have a hard time scrapping it well, so please share any thoughts/opinions/ideas. IRL this looks like rain is falling on me. I thought it went well with the lyrics.

The writing on the top is the lyrics to the song "Praise you in this storm" written by Mark Hall and sung by Casting Crowns. It's a song that has really been a blessing to me. The words are:
“I was sure by now, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You
whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”
The journaling on the bottom reads:

I was devestated when I found out I probably can’t have children. I felt so broken. I cried constantly. I cried when I saw a commercial with a baby on it. I cried when I saw pregnant women in town. I cried as I spent every penny I had shopping for my best friend’s baby shower. Then I cried as I drove home alone in the dark. Sometimes I cried when I wasn’t even thinking about it. My heart was breaking one teardrop at a time. Jonathan tried to comfort me. He was loving and patient. He tried to say the right thing, but there was no “right thing” to say. He couldn’t fix me. No one could. I would lock the bathroom door, collapse on the floor, and pray as I sobbed. I prayed God would help me remember He has a plan for me. I prayed He would give me grace to survive this, because even more than I want to be a mother, I want to serve Him. Years later, sometimes I still cry. My heart still aches when I see my friends with thier children, and I am made aware of just how empty my arms are. Sometimes I wonder what I will do with my life, if I’m not a mom. I wonder what will hapen to me when I get old - when most people have children and grandchildren to love and love them back. But even in the midst of the confusion and pain, I know I am not forgotten. So, even when the tears come, even when my heart breaks, I will choose to trust. To trust that even though I don’t understand, God does. Only He knows the end from the beginning and all the days in between. So, I will let go of my dreams. My dreams of cradling my children in my arms, breathing in that scent only babies have, kissing little fingers and toes, learning their distinct cries, breast feeding, feeling little hands grasp my finger, watching Jonathan be a daddy, tiny clothes and shoes, watching them discover things for the first time, playing in the leaves, birthday parties, Christmas mornings, fancy Easter outfits, playing with toy trucks and little dolls, tea parties, decorating baby rooms, coloring, finger painting, bubble baths with rubber duckies, stomping in mud puddles with little yellow boots, rain coats, blowing bubbles, having someone cry only for me, feeding animals at the zoo, praying together, butterfly & eskimo kisses, discovering nature, picking up bugs, playing dress up and make believe, silliness and giggles, watching them grow. baking cookies together, seeing what they would look like, taking pictures of them, scrapbooking their lives... all those things I’ve dreamed of for so long. I will let them all go. If God blesses me with children to love, I will be overjoyed. But if not, I will continue to serve, continue to love, the God who gives and takes away. I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I’ve cried, You hold in Your hands. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm. 3.26.2007.


digital scrapbooking Infertility
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