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This pregnancy is completely real to me. The heartburn, the growing belly, the exhaustion, the movements... but so far, the baby isn't real. I mean, I know I'm pregnant... but the fact that there is going to be a new life, a life that we will bring home and love and nurture, just hasn't hit me yet. How is that possible? I mean, duh, pregnancy leads to birth which is a new life. How can I grasp the concept that I'm pregnant, but be so in the dark about the outcome?
I feel excited. Excited that in the next 5 weeks or so, I'm going to meet my new baby. I'm going to find out if it is a boy or a girl. I'm going to see if he/she has hair, looks like Josh did when he was born, or looks more like my side of the family. I'm going to hold him/her, nurse him/her, and love him/her.
I feel scared. Scared about labor. Scared about recovery time. Scared of needing a c-section. Scared something will go wrong. Scared of pushing for 2.5 hours. Scared of having TWO children. Scared of not getting enough sleep.
I feel like this pregnancy has flown right by. Like I couldn't possibly only have 5 short weeks left. How could it have gone by so fast? Josh's pregnancy seemed to take a lifetime. I feel like I should still have months to prepare, months to get used to the idea that there's going to be another one of us. Another member of our family.
I worry about Josh. How is he going to handle such a big change? Will he feel left out, neglected, replaced? I'm going to do my best to make him feel included and spend special time with him whenever I can, but I can't help to worry that he isn't going to understand.
We're physically ready. The nursery is all set up, clothes are washed, everything in its place. But I feel like I'm not mentally ready. I'm sure I'll get there, either at some point in the next five weeks or when I hold my sweet little baby in my arms... but it's kind of scary to not already feel mentally ready.
With Josh, I was so eager in the end to be done, to give birth, and to have my new baby. The last few weeks were torture because I had myself convinced he might come early. This time is so totally different. I want the baby to stay in as long as possible, at least until his/her due date. I don't want to go into labor early. I will say that it has made me a much happier pregnant person. I'm not driving myself nuts hoping each day that I go into labor. This could change, as the next few weeks go by, but I seriously don't see it changing. Unless I get a lot more uncomfortable than I am now.
Part of me is a little sad that this may be my last pregnancy. After this baby is born, I may never feel the wonderful movements again. I may never experience any of this again. So maybe that is part of why I don't want to rush things; why I want to stay pregnant as long as possible. I am one of the happiest pregnant people in the world, I think. I complain a little, but mostly I'm filled with joy and wonder and excitement. I'm so amazed at my body, and what it goes through and what it accomplishes... not only pregnancy, but birth and those first months where my breastmilk is the only thing that my baby consumes to help it grow big and strong. It's an absolute miracle, and I am so lucky to be able to experience it not once, but twice.
Thanks for spreading positivity!
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