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PEIgirl
July 4, 2007

I carry your heart with me....

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This is a layout about my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage at three months. My husband thought I was insane to scrap it but I really wanted to preserve what little I had from that pregnancy, which was this ultrasound picture and my memories. It took me a while before I felt ready to tackle this... When I first started it, I cried and cried but as I went along, it just felt really good to be completing this... I feel like it was an important part of the healing process for me. The title is I carry your heart with me.... I carry it in my heart. The hearts are cut from the George cartridge on the on the Cricut and then I used my black zig to draw along the edges to make them pop. I also doodled some hearts on the page. The words are printed on pattern paper and cut and then traced with zig pen. These colours were a first for me... I didn't like them at first but they quickly grew on me. The ultra sound picture is mounted on mat stacks chipboard and is hinged...it flips up and underneath the hidden journaling reads:

September 1, 2006: We were so excited to learn that we were pregnant again!!!! A second child, a baby sister or brother for Larissa. We wasted no time telling everyone we know. Due date: May 11, 2007!

My pregnancy was going perfectly! No morning sickness. I felt a little tired but nothing that I couldn’t cope with. We started reading through the baby name books again....couldn’t agree on a name...no surprises there. We started planning how we were going to change Larissa’s room around to fit another baby in. At my doctor’s appointment in mid October everything looked good except they couldn’t find a heartbeat.... “it’s still early...we’ll catch it next visit” they told me.... I hoped they were right. That happened during my pregnancy with Larissa so I didn’t worry too much.

October 26, 2007 (3 months along): some very light bleeding... well I suppose I could go to the
hospital and have it checked out...I’m sure it’s nothing. It happened a few times during my pregnancy with Larissa but just to be on the safe side I’ll go in. The hospital was packed and Larissa was tired and hungry. I called Jason. I could hear the concern in his voice but I told him not worry... just a precautionary measure. He came and met us at the hospital. They got me in right away and started asking questions. They took a blood test and used a portable ultrasound machine. “well, this machine is a really cheap portable thing...we can’t really tell much with this... we can see the baby’s sac but we can’t see a heartbeat. Don’t worry, we’ll hook you up to the big machine in the morning...it’s much more accurate” meanwhile, I’m still not that nervous...believing that since I’m still early along perhaps this little machine can’t see much. I do have to wait for a whin-rho shot, due my A negative blood. Meanwhile the blood work comes back with my HCG levels. The doctor started asking me questions about how far along I was....the alarm bells start to go off when I tell him I am ‘SURE’ on the dates and he seems to think I must be wrong. Then I ask the bloodwork number. Of course it means nothing to mean with no reference, so I store it away in my memory so I can look it up on the internet later. We are told to come back in the morning for a proper ultrasound. As we left the hospital, I had a heavy heart and a bad feeling. Jason felt optimistic and didn’t feel like I did at all so we don’t really talk much on the way home. As soon as I got home I read about HCG levels on the internet and what level I should be at for 3 months along. The news was not good... I cried myself to sleep.

October 27, 2007: I went about my morning methodically. Jason wasn’t even going to come to the ultrasound with me...he assumed it would all be routine and all was well. I insisted. I went to the hospital and they told me it was going to be a few hours so I went to work. It was only my 5th day at a brand new job so I didn’t want to miss much time. I had an ultra sound around 11 that morning. Jason was there with me. When the technician turned the screen away from us I knew something was wrong. I knew that when there is a healthy baby they show it to you right away to ease your anxiety. The technician left to go get the doctor. I knew what was happening. The doctor came in and looked at the screen and whispered with the technician. They both asked if I was sure about my dates. Then it came...the punch in the gut when the doctor took my hand and said in a kind voice “There is no easy way to say this. There is no heat beat. Your baby has died. The baby should be measuring 12 weeks and is measuring 9 weeks. I am so sorry but you have lost the baby’ It was kind of a blur after that... I started sobbing and Jason held my hand tight. I was barely able to ask the technician for an ultra sound picture through my sobs. We were asked to return to the emergency department to see the doctors there. As we left the room, Jason was very somber and I was uncontrollably sobbing. I felt terrible for all the pregnant mothers who were waiting for their ultrasounds for having to see us go by for they surely knew what was happening. When we were back at emergency we saw 3 doctors and talked about the option of going home and waiting for the miscarriage to start on its own or an immediate D&C. I wanted everything to be over with a quickly as possible so I was prepped for surgery right away. I was able to go home that evening. I spent most of the weekend in bed. I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. When the phone rang we didn’t answer. Our hearts were broken. This kind of thing just doesn’t happen to us. Monday morning came and I had to get up and return to work as usual. Getting out of bed and returning to normal activities was very helpful for me.

June 25, 2007:
My heart is healing and someday we’ll go on to have another baby but there will always be a special little place in my heart for the baby I didn’t get to meet here on earth.


layouts scrapbooking heart miscarriage ultrasound
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