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Peggy-S
October 8, 2009

If I could turn back time

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I made this LO for a challenge over at Forward Progress - it was all about forgiveness. How can we move forward in life if we have not forgiven (someone, something, ourselves, ...) for something in the past?

Journaling:
"I would give a lot to see you just one more time. I would tell you how much I love you, and how much I miss you.
You never asked for much, but I was too occupied with myself to even give you the little you asked.
You've always been there for me, and I'm so sorry I wasn't always there for you."

This LO is about me and my grandmother. She passed away 7 years ago. During the last years of her life, I was too preoccupied with my own life, my own new little family, to give her the attention she needed and more than that deserved. She died very sudden when my youngest daughter was just 3 weeks old. I had just had 3 children over a period of 2,5 years, and I used this as an excuse not to visit all that much. I didn't call her up all that often either, because she was getting deaf, and a lot of our telephone conversations ended up with her hanging up in tears, frustrated because she couldn't understand what I was saying. So I didn't call her that often, telling myself this would only upset her ...

I now wish I had made more of an effort to go and visit her once in a while. My grandfather had passed away just the year before, and it had left her without a purpose in life. First she brought up my mom, when I was born she took care of me when my parents had to go to work, and at the end, she took care of my grandfather, who had had a stroke a few years before he passed away, and he wasn't able to walk nor talk anymore. I should have realised how alone and useless she felt at the end, but I didn't. I was to caught up in my own life to even notice I think.

Why is it we don't see things clearly until it's too late? Why is it we don't know just what we have until it is gone? I wish I had done things differently, but I didn't, and I've been living with this guilt ever since she died.
Although I had thought this LO would turn out a very "dark" one, I changed my mind while looking for pics of her and me. I remembered how much fun she was, and how much she loved me. I wanted to ask for forgiveness, but I think in her eyes I don't need to be forgiven. I think she was hurt by my lack of attention, but I don't think she was angry about it, I think she understood and accepted it as part of life. That's the sort of person she was, and that's how I wanted her to look on my LO, fun and loving, just like she was.

TFL xxx Peggy


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