Okay, this was a wonderful challenge and it came at a time when I needed scrap therapy!! And, leave it to me to make such a bold, bright lo about such a wretched topic!! The journaling is attached to the "Here's the Story" tag.....it says:
Sometimes, I dream that I am pregnant. The dream begins like this: I am sitting in a doctor's office, and he says to me, "Are you excited!?" I look at him very quizzically, and say, "Why would I be?" He says "Congratulations, you are pregnant." Then, I feel the baby move. The dream is so lifelike, and it feels exactly like a child quickening in my womb. But then I wake up, usually in tears, to realize, "It was a dream". I'll never have another child. A hysterectomy at twenty four years old has made this impossible. The dream happens often after I have been thinking about this:
On April 16, 1999, I was almost five months pregnant. I woke up to horrible cramps. My husband at the time, Mike, was getting ready to go to work. Being the wonderful man he was, he decided to go on to work in our only vehicle and leave me home alone. He said, "You're fine" as he slammed the door to leave, adn "We can't afford a trip to the hospital, so don't overeact." He didn't want me to be pregnant in the first place, adn he acted as though the child had been conceived without his help. I had only turned nineteen years old two months before, and I had not told anyone in the family about my pregnancy except my mother and grandmother.
So, I alternated between lying on the couch, and running to the bathroom. It wasn't long before I started to pass enormous clots. I went back to the couch, and I was almost asleep when a huge vice-like cramp gripped me, then the "urge" to push. It was the baby. I called my mother, who came to me.
After she recovered, we went to the emergency room. The doctors said that it was a complete miscarriage, and called my husband at work. He came to the emergency room, and the doctor's immediately insisted that he return home to get the fetus. So, he left on this errand. Instead of retrieving it and rushing back to the hospital, being the classy guy that he was, he stopped at a party to show it to his sister!!!!!
He arrived back at the ER about three hours later. The doctor told me that it was a "complete evacuation" in his clinical voice, and said that they would send it to pathology.
About two weeks later, I received a report from the Pathology department. The fetus was a girl.
I have often thought about her, and what she would have been like. Would she have looked like me? Or, would she have looked like Bryce? Would she have been short like me, with my dark eyes and hair? When I am painting, I often imagine her, and whether or not I can capture her would-be features in oil. This was a heartbreaking experience, and it has began to keep me up nights due to something that has happened to remind me of her:
About a month ago, I took some photos of Bryce at my grandmothers. In the photo, there was an odd cloudy mist that was "hugging" him. Then, the next week, I took a photo of him on the couch with Mark at my house (He said, he said layout....I covered the "orbs" with the word HILARIOUS). There were strange, glowing "orbs" in the photo around Bryce. I didn't know what it was!!! So, I emailed the photos to a paranormal medium. She sent this email to me:
" Hi Kristie ,, I've been looking again at the orbs .. wow do you have some beautiful people around you ! .. I see a wonderful Angel also .. the little girl I feel belongs to you ,, did you ever lose a child .. miscarriage ,, she is a beautiful little thing ,, dark hair ,, and she sings .. I love her .. the spirit that is like a shadow around your son is full of love .. I feel you are very lucky to have experienced this ,, please keep going ,, you have a gift ,, and I have to tell you .. bad spirits have no power to harm you unless you give it to them ,,, by way of your fear ... so please never be afraid and if you can help others with the little knowledge I have given you ,, then I would be so grateful .. blessings Elizabeth "
Okay, it is a scientifically proven fact that certain people have a "sixth sense". I never met this woman, never mentioned miscarriage to her, or mentioned what I look like. Was she guessing, hoping that it might hit home with me? If so, I think it is cruel. If not, I'll let you wonder.....but it has brought everything that I have tried to forget back.