I Need to Remember

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I Need to Remember

This page is why I scrapbook. The title says it all. I NEED TO REMEMBER. I did this journaling the day before the contest was announced. It is extrememly personal. I did this layout for me. This is why I scrapbook. I NEED to REMEMBER everything and this is part of my everything.* Journaling is finished in the Praise* The journaling is under a the picture. It's a folder. The journaling reads: I’m missing you today. It has happened on and off for the past 12 years since you left us. Today is a really hard one. It’s been a long time since it hurt like this. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me to be sad but I need you. I need to feel you next to me. Not talking. Just being there, letting me smell your perfume, holding your soft but firm hand, lending me the silent support and strength that you always gave me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you today. I try to divert my thoughts and they go right back to you. It started when I dropped your namesake off at school today. I started thinking about how she answers to your name even though it’s her middle name and we occasionally call her by it. It doesn’t faze her. She doesn’t bat an eye. She just answers. It made me wish you could see her. Maybe you do. Maybe you know all about her. I need you to know all about them. I need to share stories with you. I need you to know the little people I love so much. I need them to know you. They will know you though, through me they will. I would love to see your face light up when they burst through the door, just like you did when Brenden was a little boy. I still remember the sparkle in your eye when he came in the room. The way you lit up when you offered him some of those “Grammie Milk Balls” or MM’s from your goody jar. I miss you so much. I had so many regrets after you died. I think of them often. I know that you would be mad at me for having them so I try to let them go. I tell dad about them some times. He tells me to let them go that you would be so crushed to know I live with regret. That you really did understand. I know you would be mad at me for sitting here crying as I write this. That you wouldn’t want me to ache the way I do now. I know this but I really need you right now. I need to tell you that I am sorry that I never came to your room the day you died. I was at the hospital having some tests done and I just couldn’t bear to go up. It was so hard to see you sick. It was even harder when you didn’t remember who I was. I thought that we had more time. I am sorry. I never had the chance to say good-bye and I am sorry. I never put you first. I let my fear take control. I am sorry. I am trying to move past this. I promise. I know deep in my heart that you understand and if you were here now you’d be calling me a fool. Telling you now helps. I need you hear you call someone a jackass, to make me smile. To smell the wonderful smells coming from your kitchen. See that’s what I am talking about. I need those happy little memories to come flooding back, the little expressions that you used and the foods you cooked. I need to remember. I just miss you so much some days it’s hard to remember the good stuff. It’s slowly coming back. I knew writing to you and creating this page would help. It’s the therapy that gets me through rough days like this. It’s all about remembering, confronting my demons and closure today. I need you now. I feel like my life is just spinning out of control. There is so much stress and I have so little control. I need to just lie on your bed with you the way we used to. Remember? I would come into your room while you were resting. We would have a short conversation about my life. I would stop when I thought you were worrying too much and I would curl up next to you and we would talk in silence. You would calm all my fears just by being there. You managed to do it even when I was a little girl. The rest of the world would just melt away during those few precious, silent moments. I don’t know how you did it but you are the only one that ever could. I’ll never have that again and I miss it. I really need that today. I need that renewed strength I always felt after spending time with you. I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions this week. It all started when Brenden got hit by the car. I know you were there. There is no other explanation. My son got hit by a car, 2 streets away from where you lived, it was driving 30 miles an hour and it hit him, flipped him through the air and he survived with barely more than a scratch. You saved him that night. You saved him so he could go on and live a fulfilling life and to save me the pain of losing a child, I KNOW YOU WERE THERE. You were his guardian angel that night and I can’t even thank you. I have tried. It just doesn’t seem like enough. It does let me know you are still here with us in some way and that feels so good. I also know that in some ways you are with me always. I carry you in my heart. There is a big chunk reserved just for you. You are in my daughter. The fair skin, the light hair she used to have, her blue eyes and of course your loving heart. You are in my scrapbooks. One whole book is dedicated just to you and Grampy. This page is for me. To help me get through the rough days like today. It’s just not the same. I need you here. I know you are so happy where you are, with the love of your life. You waited so long to join Grampy and I know you are complete once again. I am so happy that you are with him. I know he is taking good care of you. I also know you watch over us. I saw you that night you came to see Brycen after he was born. I smelled your perfume. It woke me from a sound sleep. I know it wasn’t a dream. I sat up and looked towards the crib and there you were. You rubbed his sweet little head, turned and smiled at me and then you were gone as fast as you came but I saw you. You saved Brenden just days ago. I know you’re here. I just wish you were physically here and that I had more time with you. You are the most amazing woman I have ever known. It’s hard to say good-bye. Look at me 12 years later and I am still trying to figure it all out. I believe this is the start. I have documented my memories. I have put them in type. Good and bad they are all here. I need to remember. I needed this form of closure. I hope someday that I touch someone the way you touched, not just me but, our entire family. Please know you will never be forgotten. This is my tribute to you.Good-bye Gram! I love you!TFL